WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS ?

Sometimes the frustrating part isn't recognising the pattern. It's recognising it again.

You tell yourself you won't do it this time.

You won't say yes when you want to say no.
You won't avoid the conversation.
You won't overthink the message.
You won't automatically assume you're the problem.
You won't keep trying to prove yourself.
You won't choose the familiar response simply because it's familiar.

And then, somehow, there you are again, Recognising a pattern can be uncomfortable.
But it can also be the beginning of something interesting: we can start asking “What keeps happening here?”

01 - READ

Not everything we repeat is a conscious choice.

We like to imagine that our behaviour begins with a decision. Often, it doesn't.
Some behaviours become associated with particular situations, emotions, people or environments. With repetition, familiar cues can begin to prompt familiar responses - sometimes before we've given much thought to what we're doing. That's one reason why simply knowing that we want to behave differently isn't always enough.
Awareness matters. But awareness and change aren't the same thing.

Some patterns are bigger than habits.

There are also patterns that are harder to describe as simple habits.
The way we respond to criticism.
What we expect from relationships.
How easily we ask for help.
Whether we withdraw, please, control, pursue, avoid or protect ourselves when something feels difficult.
Psychologists have different ways of understanding these patterns. One of them is the idea of schemas - broad patterns through which we may interpret ourselves, other people and our experiences.
Some theories propose that these can be shaped by early experiences and continue to be elaborated throughout life. That doesn't mean every difficulty in adulthood can be traced neatly back to childhood. Human behaviour is rarely that simple. But sometimes our history can help us understand why a response that seems puzzling in the present once made considerably more sense.

A pattern may have had a purpose.

This is where curiosity becomes more useful than judgement.
Something we now experience as frustrating, limiting or unnecessary may once have helped us navigate a very different situation.
Avoiding conflict may have kept the peace.
Being exceptionally independent may have meant not having to rely on someone unreliable.
Paying close attention to other people's moods may once have helped us anticipate what was coming.
Working relentlessly may have brought recognition, security or belonging.

None of these examples explains every person who behaves this way, But they offer another question: “What might this response have been trying to do?”

Understanding isn't the same as excusing.

Finding an explanation for a pattern doesn't mean we have to keep it. Nor does understanding where something came from make its consequences disappear. It simply gives us more information.

We can begin to notice:
the trigger → the familiar response → what the response gives us → what it costs us.

And somewhere in that sequence, there may eventually be room for another choice. Not necessarily a dramatic one. Sometimes just a slightly different response.

02 - REFLECT

Instead of trying to stop the pattern, try observing it first.

What keeps happening?
Describe what actually happens, without explaining or judging it yet.

When does it tend to happen?
With particular people? At work? When you feel criticised, uncertain, ignored, overwhelmed or responsible for someone else?

What happens just before?
A comment? A feeling? A thought? Someone else's behaviour? A familiar situation?

What do I usually do next?
Withdraw? Explain? Fix? Please? Control? Avoid? Become defensive? Work harder?

What does that response give me in the moment?
Relief? Safety? Approval? Distance? Control? Reassurance?

And what does it cost me afterwards?
Energy? Honesty? Connection? Time? Self-respect? Something else?

Then comes the question I'd make visually larger: When might this response have made more sense than it does now?

And finally:
What might I try differently, just once?

Not forever.
Not a new personality.
Once.

See what happens.

03 - STEP AWAY FROM THE SCREEN

Take one pattern with you.

Don't choose the biggest problem in your life. Choose something small enough to observe.
Then, the next time it happens, see if you can catch these four moments:

What happened?
The situation, person, thought or feeling that came first.

What did I automatically do?
Just describe it. No judgement required.

What did it give me, and what did it cost me?
Both can be true.

What could I try next time?
Not the perfect response. Just a different one.

You don't have to fix the pattern today. First, learn to recognise it while it's happening.
take one pattern into real life with you.
Pay attention.

EVIDENCE & FURTHER READING

For those who want to know what's behind some of the ideas on this page.

Why knowing better doesn't always mean doing differently

Habits develop through repeated associations between situations and responses. This research explores how familiar cues can trigger behaviours with relatively little conscious deliberation, helping explain why changing our intentions doesn't always immediately change what we do. Read the research

How our experiences can shape the patterns we carry

Schema theory offers one way of understanding recurring patterns in how we interpret ourselves, other people and relationships. This research explores associations between early experiences and maladaptive schemas. These associations do not mean that every adult behaviour can be explained by childhood experiences. Read the research

Can long-standing psychological patterns change?

Schema therapy is a therapeutic approach designed to address persistent patterns of thinking, feeling and relating to others. This research examines the evidence for the approach, including its potential benefits and limitations. It is a useful reminder that understanding psychological patterns and demonstrating effective ways to change them are two different questions. Explore the research